Tuesday, August 20, 2013

A rambling, hormonal post

I really don't remember being so hormonal and weepy when I was pregnant with Ella. I'm sure Jim would disagree. This time around it's worse because on top of it, I have huge amounts of mommy guilt. I look at my (mostly) sweet toddler running around (naked) and can't help but think how having a baby is going to completely rock her world. I mean, she's not even quite 20 months old (okay, she will be tomorrow). She's going through a separation anxiety phase already- and I'm planning on leaving her, overnight, intentionally, with someone else when she is already feeling vulnerable.

Yes, I know she will be okay. She's going to stay with one of her best buddies. She'll probably have a blast and not even notice that I'm gone. Okay, she will notice that I'm gone. But she will survive. And chances are that I'll give birth in the middle of the night and she'll be asleep and not even know that anything is amiss for awhile. 

But the thought of leaving her for the first time absolutely breaks my heart. 

Part of the reason I was so adamant about getting a mother's helper was for Ella to get used to being away from me. She loves the days when she gets to play with her "friend" instead of boring old Mommy.

Then we have nights like tonight, where she just screamed, "MAAAMAAA!" on repeat. And then I think, "How the heck am I going to calmly leave her with that echoing in my mind?"

I worry that when I'm in labor, instead of focusing on how each contraction is bringing us closer to meeting Schrodinger, I will be focused on how each contraction is bringing me closer to the moment when I have to leave Ella.

I know at some point I will have to leave her overnight. I mean, she will one day go off to college. Before that maybe I'll let her go to sleepovers. And before that perhaps I'll go on a weekend away with Jim or take a trip with my girlfriends.

Just at this point my pregnant hormonal brain is not willing to let her go.

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