How life changes after a baby: the things no one tells you

Before Ella was born, it seemed like everyone told me about the million and one ways in which my life was about to change. A lot of that centered on how much I will love my baby and how little sleep I will get. 

All that is fine and dandy, and most of that kind of stuff is true. However, there is an equally long list of stuff that no one ever tells you. It's like a series of secrets that you as a parent have to find out for yourself, and then when you tell another parent about this discovery, they say, "Oh yeah. I know." 

Here are just a few things that no one ever tells you about how your life changes after having a baby: 

-You will make up silly songs. A lot of them will center on your child's bodily functions. If you are so lucky, one might even mention how we "don't pee on the floor." 

-Even after having the baby, your body is not your own. In the eyes of your baby, your whole body is her own personal playground and trampoline. Your teeth and nostrils are an endless source of fascination, as is your belly button. Especially in church. 

-When your baby learns how to pull herself up, wear pants that have some sort of buckle or tie holding them up. Yoga pants + a baby pulling herself up to standing using said yoga pants= a pantless mommy. 

-Using the bathroom with the door closed is a thing of the past. 

-Talking on the phone uninterrupted is also a thing of the past. Children of all ages have some sort of sixth sense about this. 

-Silence with a newborn is bliss. Silence with a mobile baby is a sign of trouble. 

-Don't bother buying toys. So far the big hits in our household are: empty boxes, tupperware, paper, pots and pans, the dogs, and, of course, whatever I have and whatever I don't want her to get into. 

-Baby-proofing is more trial by fire. Yes, there are the big obvious things like outlets and baby gates. Most of what we've had to baby-proof are things that we never thought she would get into.  

-Be prepared to accept little bits of everything in your hand: half-eaten Cheerios, dog hairs, little scraps of who-knows-what off the floor, vomit. 

I'm sure there are more things that I can't remember now (that mommy brain thing is definitely real). Feel free to add your own fun parenting discoveries in the comments.